Three inches of new snow

 HI Friends

 Well we  ended up with just 3 inches of snow  and the kids had school today so all is good .   Today seems to be a better day as the chest congestion and all is  much better than the last few weeks maybe this thing has run its course  Yipee !!!!  

I have been feeling a bit well more than a bit depressed as of late I am so hoping the sickness is getting a move on to someplace  other than here.  I have a severe case of cabin fever and you are right  Lynn some good ol sunshine  will be a welcome change to all this cold and snow. 

Brian has acquired a very large doll and precious moments collection for his Ebay sales and it has taken over the living room which puts an axe on the flylady cleaning routine and not to mention with a house full of girls  a bunch of baby dolls are quite appealing to try to get to  🙂  Which makes corralling the kiddos a bigger challenge than normal.

I have been having some challenging feelings with oldest daughter lately and have been trying to work through them. As you all know already my 4 youngest children are adopted through the foster-care system of our state and so we have a unique set of dynamics in our home. Any way she has always maintained that she wants no part of her birth family to which I an Brian have said don’t say that you may one day change your mind and want to seek them out.  Well we have offered to give her all the information which is a lot of where they are ect. We have chosen not to give any negative details to her situation as we feel like that would be wrong as people can change don’t mean they do but they can and we aren’t the type to run people down even though we know for a fact they have not been as kind to us.We had a phone call the other day from  the birth brother and asked her about it just in passing and got the response that she had no clue she only wanted to find the sister which is all good no matter who she wants to find that her choice now that she is an adult. What I’m having a hard time with is the lies  still constant lying she has pursued them all and not the sister at all ??? so why not just say hey I’m curious. Still looks at us and says I have no clue how they even got the cell number ??? what the message says you called me and gave me your number so I’m calling you back. so we asked that and said we are ok with you finding them just be honest and say you gave them the number.  which she responds I did no such thing…. It’s a cell phone you can’t just look in the phone book and get it. any way since she has such a history of lying to me I am just having some flags here.   So I have been struggling with some odd feelings here since all this is happening. I guess I should mention that she is the biological daughter of a family member which has caused a huge rift with my family for 17 years now and I have paid a high price to parent this child. I do love her to spite that she is like loving a cactus most of the time I usually get spiked  lol.   also no other family member has the cell number so we can’t think that it came from anybody else except Brian , myself or her. I am having some old wounds opening and I don’t like it a bit . Sorry again to Dump here but there just isnt any place else that I feel safe to unload. as I type this I think maybe I wont post but just send it to the trash as I have a few recent posts since I feel like I’m such a downer all the time In fact I’m not I’m usually a silver lining kind of girl in reality just seems to be a bunch of stuff happening all at once. Brian goes back to the Doctor about his vocal cords on Tuesday the 1st and says he can’t feel much of a difference in how his throat feels so we are hoping that his new scope testing shows some improvement to the growth. I will keep you all posted on it.  The young ones parents seem to be doing better and working on their marriage issues and we have heard no more use of the word divorce so I am ever hopeful about all of that since you all know I am way too attached to Sierra and Levi  I love them like they are my own since we have them so much, kinda hard not to get so caught up with them. Ok enough of my wallowing in self-pity I need to wake Brian from his and Levi’s nap We have not been sleeping much around this place…. go figure  🙂  I think I will ask him if we can go to the thrift store near us and I can rummage through the stuff a bit maybe we will find some great Ebay treasure 🙂 

Take care all hope you are all doing well and I am gonna try to be more positive in my frame of mind.   what is your opinions on anti depressants??? they have talked about giving me some I am not sure how I feel about them. I was on them years back after we lost our little baby in 96  for a while and it seemed to me that all they (Doctors)  wanted to do was load me up with pills which I don’t want at all.  Brian and I have talked and both are just not sure what I should say to this.  Input would be appreciated as I value your opinions. Ok this time I’m rally gonna go.

much love to you all with lots of hugs too  🙂

Shelly

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9 thoughts on “Three inches of new snow

  1. Awww Shelly!! I’m so glad you didn’t trash your post! Sweetie, sometimes you’ve just got to let it out, right? I think getting all the junk out on a post like this is probably a really good thing for you! Since you asked for opinions…I’d say do much more dumping and hold off on the anti-depressants. I’m not saying that they don’t have a place but I do feel that they should be your last resort. This might not be the best time to make such a decision either, what with being so sick and on the other medications, your lack of sleep, and everything else you’re dealing with. Hopefully, you can deal with at least a couple of these issues first and clear them up. Perhaps your hormones are a bit wonky as well…that affects our moods so much! I’d like to share something personal with you. Several years ago…I went through a period of depression. I had lost my Dad, with whom I had been very close. I got very sick and had to have major surgery. My birth-mother found me – I had been adopted as an infant. There were a couple of other things that happened as well. My migraines were under control at the time. My Doctor and I discussed it and talked about different options. I said that I wanted to try to deal with it without the meds first. So she wanted to monitor how I did. So I was open with my husband and my girls about what I was going through, and shared my feelings. I made a point of surrounding myself with things and people that made me happy. The people and events that caused stress were removed. I made time every day to do something that brought me joy. I took special care to get lots of rest, but always got up in the morning and ready to face the day. I watched funny movies, and read funny books. Of course I prayed and read the Bible! 🙂 It took some time…and then I was okay again. Now that’s what worked for me. Maybe some of those ideas will help you too. When I say I was depressed…I don’t mean I was just a little bit sad…I was seriously in a depression. I do understand the feelings involved. If you want to share more about what you’re going through, please feel free to post about it at any time! If there’s more to say privately, please know that you can email me anytime as well. I’d be happy to talk about the adoption too. I’m afraid I don’t know all the history with your daughter. I do understand many of the different dynamics involved. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with all of this when you’ve been so sick and feeling so weak and tired! Please know that I’m here and I’ll be praying for you!
    Nancy 🙂

    • Thank you so much Nancy for sharing about your situations I am really mixed up about the way I’m feeling with my daughter. The history is long and I don’t mind sharing if you want to listen. She is the birth daughter of my step brother and a girlfriend. The adoption was not consented to by them, their parental rights were terminated as they did not follow the rules and plans set by the state to get their children returned to them. The kids went into protective custody of the state in the fall of 1993 but the state had been involved before that trying to teach parenting skills and such to keep the family intact. We became involved when my parents tried to foster the kids but could not due to the issues the kids had and no other family member stepped up to take the kids to keep them with the family and they had been placed with a traditional foster family in another town close to us. We wanted to take all 3 and keep them together as the 2 oldest were together and the baby was in a seperate home.The idea was to help out til they got on their feet and could be reunited with their children. fast foward and we have the kids except the baby as she was bonded with the other family and why move her and then again when they went home giving her seperation issues like the others have from already being moved 5 times in 6 months. We tried both older ones 2 and 1 and could not keep the older as he was very violent to our two boys and his sister we had counseling and begged for help and was only offered more cash assistance which you get to care for them while in foster care a the state is responsable for them now not the parents. We said what he needs is help and not to pay us more money to cause issues with our own kids so he was moved to a single mom home and well in the end here has not turned out well he has been in alot of trouble with the law and court s since about 13 years old. Both girls are doing pretty good ,have finished school and are involved with church ect. We did not adopt daughter til 1996 which gave them ample time and plenty of help and oppertunities to get their kids back. Daughter has some bonding issues which is common and expected with kids from the system.any way I know what she will hear is how we took her away when in fact we had nothing to do with we just had fallen in love with her after having her so long and when she became adoptable we said we wanted her with us and both other families wanted the two others and the family they are placed with always gets the first chance to adopt them. I want her to meet them if she chooses but dont understand why she feels the need to lie about it. Brian asked if she thought we’d be mad or hurt or disappointed and she said NO. we told her again we want her to make the choices now as she is an adult and our part in the choices are over. We did make the choice not to give lots of information til she was older and as she asked we told her. All of our children know they are adopted , we started using the words and teachable moments while they were all very little so they would know that it is a good word and good thing. I guess I just dont want all the chaos and bad feelings from them to be pushed on her and us again because my family has been torn apart over our choice to keep her, no family get togethers for years much bad things said about us some to our faces and lots to others behind us. I just have said over the years God knows my heart and why I chose to listen to Him and love the orphans and care for them like he says to and in the end when I stand before Him I will know that I did my best to teach them about Him and show them His love.
      I know the depression and after Dameon died just getting out of bed was such a chore so I listened to the Doctors and had counseling and took the meds they gave me I just dont want to fall back into that again. I have so much good in my life a fantastic husband who loves me and has always stood by my side no matter what happened ,beautiful healthy kids to love and enjoy a nice home a great church family I could go on and on.
      I do have Brian to share with and he is wonderful and now you all. As for doing for myself I have been trying to practice this which comes pretty hard for me as I really dont get much time to myself with all the kids around here. I have been giving myself a manicure weekly for the past 2 weeks and even a pedicure last week since I can do this late while everyone else is sleeping. I have a very hard time sleeping and it’s been like this since my hysterectomy in 2001 , before that I could fall asleep in a snap but after the surgery NO way. I am lucky to get 4 or 5 hours a night I lay awake in bed and use my time to pray . Some of my stress is the kids but there isent any way to remove them, they are a very high maintiance bunch each having issues thanks to what has happened to them before they came to us . I have removed the stressful people but some may be reentering my life again. We also have a tenitive appointment to have Sasha put down on Tuesday evening and that is just killing me she is getting sicker coughing all the time and the lumps in her back breasts have almost tripled in size and she is wetting all over the house giving me lots more to scrub and clean daily but at least Savanna seems to be all better. Thank you again for all your prayers and kindness I do appreciate you and value your opinion. I am off to post to Lynns comment . Has anyone heard from Leslie I know shes been busy with her paper work and her crafty gift making. Hope you are feeling better .
      Much love and hugs,
      Shelly

      • Good morning Shelly!
        I’m so sorry that I appear to have disappeared! Not much of a support at all, am I 😦 We’ve had some really crazy weather blow through here again and I’m afraid it’s kind of knocked me off my feet with my migraines again. I just wanted to send a note and let you know my thoughts & prayers are with you…today especially! I know that you’re dreading the appointment tonight but I also know that you don’t want to see Sasha suffer anymore. Please try to concentrate on that part of it. I know how difficult it is, as I’ve been through it myself, but you’re doing what’s best for Sasha. I understand that doesn’t make it any easier but it helps. Maybe you could come up with something enjoyable to do after the appointment that could distract you for a while. Or arrange to have some crafting time. It might be best that you don’t dwell on the grief just yet while it’s so fresh. Give it a little time to process and your perspective will be better.
        Know that I’m thinking about you and praying for you! Everything will be okay! Big hugs being sent!
        Nancy :o)

  2. So sorry Shelly that you are having so much to cope with when you are still feeling sick but I feel as Nancy does. Please feel free to vent here whenever or email privately but try and not have the antidepressants just yet. Nancy is quite right in saying that you are already on meds and your body is in turmoil through being ill and being on the medication.

    I, too, have been through the depression bit , like Nancy it was after my father died, and having to cope with my mother who abused me when I was younger and heaped a whole lot of stress onto me. I managed to come out through the other side thanks to the love and support of Rod and our two daughters. Hate that feeling of nothingness, lethargy and blackness but luckily I did get through it without medication, Rod was always there talking, talking and trying to find ways to lighten the day – looking at the flowers, listening to bird song and going for walks. There wasn’t a lot of snow then though 🙂

    You had a period of this before with your daughter and I thought she had left home? It is enough that you are having to deal with her lying without having to cope with all the old family stresses too especially when you are feeling low any way. In fairness to yourself, Brian and the other children this daughter needs to move out and grow up. I know this sounds hard as a parent but it was a decision we had to make over our son who was mixed up with drugs and dragging us all down. Finally we had to say enough was enough and we forced him to find employment which he finally did and then we encouraged him to move out. We knew it was a touch and go situation but he did make good and did well for himself, he also came to realise it was the best that we could do for him.

    So happy for you that your son and daughter-in-law seem to working through their problems and I hope very much that their relationship grows stronger day by day.

    Shelly don’t feel you are alone, we are all here to listen and give support in watever way we can and please don’t feel afraid to ‘dump’ on us either. I am so very glad you didn’t trash this post.

    Love and hugs dear friend
    Lynn xx

    • HI Lynn
      Thank you to fo sharing with me I so appreciate knowing that I am not the only one with this depression thing. Daughter has moved out but stays here at least one night a week and sometimes more. There are lots of times I know she misses the kids here and even Brian and I. The Growing up does need to be done but I don’t know if she is mentally ready for it if that makes any sense. She is an odd little bird this girl been this way since the day we picked her up. The family stresses are about her and all (Posted this in response to Nancy so I wont type it again as I’m a slow typer.) I feel like I just need to cut the ties and run with this stuff as I don’t know if I can handle being gutted again over all the same old same old.
      Guess when it comes down to it only time will tell about how this will all play out and she will either choose to stand up for us or go along with the crowd and jump on the band wagon so to speak.
      I am so wanting to sun to shine warm and to see the flowers and green grass out my windows then I can be outside and taking walks like you speak of. How interesting to hear that we all have so much in common with each other as we share our life stories. I knew that Leslie and I had many things as we’ve gotten to know each other. I am looking foward to Nancys take on all thats happening from an adopted childs side maybe that will help me put a perspective on this stuff.
      How nice it would be to actually get to sit together all of us and just chat and have a coffee or tea. This will just have to do I guess 🙂 I had better try to get some sleep I sent the little ones home tonight as I feel like a wreck and have cried most of the evening thinking about my little doggie and the impending date coming up.I am wishing for a miricle that she will be better and I can cancel the appointment but realistically know she is getting worse and this needs to be done as for now she is penned up with a baby gate in the laundryroom wimpering to get out but we cant have her wetting all over the house like she has been today ( much mor than she was) I think she is telling me something is wrong in the only way she can.
      Thanks again for the shoulders to cry on the ears to listen to me and the wisdom and love to share with me. I appreciate your friendship very much. I’m off to try to get some sleep 🙂
      Much love and lots of hugs,
      Shelly

  3. Oh these animals do break our hearts Shelly and I can empathise wih you there but you also have the chance to give Sasha the relief and release she so desperately needs. Yes of course you will cry buckets and buckets of tears but think of all the wonderful times you have had with her and, of course, as you have a strong belief in faith you also know she will be waiting for you to join her. She will not be forgotten as you will carry memories of her with you for as long as you remember her.

    In the case of your daughter and your family please be strong and cut yourself free of the family who have hurt you; you have managed all this time without them and remind yourself that they treat you badly because they feel guilty. Deep down they know the truth of the situation but they would rather blame someone else for their mistakes. It takes strength of character to own up to our own mistakes, take full responsibility for them and try to repair any damage done to others. Sadly some people find it easier to blame others thinking that if they say it enough times it will become true.

    My mother was not only an abusive person (can’t understand mothers being like that with their own) but also a very domineering woman and even after I had married she was still trying to call the tune and there were many times when I let her especially to be able to stay in contact with my dad. My great grandmother would also persuade me to stay in contact with my mother even though my great grandmother knew the sort of person mother was. After great grandmother and then dad died I realised I could break free of this awful woman and once I was mentally better again I made that decision. The weight that fell from my mind was tremendous. It was such a radical step for me but the relief was beyond belief. She has never tried to contact me because she always believed and, I imagine, still does believe that no one can without her and everyone else should make the effort! I think that now after all the years apart I would be strong enough to stand up to her but I would rather stay away. I carry too many physical and mental scars to want to be in her company.

    Perhaps a word with the doctor for a mild sleeping pill would help you to get some much needed sleep, you need the sleep to cope with your family and to heal your body and mind.

    My thoughts are with you Shelly and so is my love and big hugs
    Lynn xxxx

  4. HI Lynn,
    Thanks for your kind encouragement. The waiting til Tuesday about Sasha is just agonizing. Do I just spend all my free time cuddling and holding her or let her just go off and rest ?? Right now she is fenced off in the laundry room and I feel guilty that her last days will be all penned up and not roaming free in the house like she always has. Just breaks my heart and she just wimpers and crys to be set free but I cant have her wetting all over the carpets so there is my battle with that situation.
    As for cutting my family members out of my life I have already done that once but the issue now is am I going to have to cut Daughter out too?? I know that sounds like I’m being dramatic but I know the chance is always there and well this stupid facebook we all use isen’t hwlping me out much as her posts to and from them come up on my page so I guess I need to figure out haw to block her off there or just not check out my facebook page. I guess my fear is being rejected by my own child. I am a good Mom not a perfect one I have made mistakes but I think we did a really good job with all of them. Plus I have the added issue of the other kids. Will has a load of seperation issues he carries around along with him being BI polar makes for some interesting days around here. I will just have to be patient and wait this all out . As a foster adoptive Mom I can’t understand how Mothers or Fathers for that matter can abuse their children the brood I have have all suffered in ways many people can only imagine and it boggles my mind that they will sit and say they love their children and they belong with them but do nothing to change and like you said blame others for their behaviors. Brian and I both come from abusive homes and Brian had been in the fostercare system for several rounds as for me I had Grandparents who stepped in and mostly raised us. We, Brian and I made a vow to each othr ro live differently than we has been raised and we have been successful, wish I could say the same for our siblings. I guess myproblen is I dont want anyone mad or upset with me I guess maybe to wanting to please everyone to keep peace I can remember being like this since I was a small child. One of the meds I have consented to is a pill to help with sleep but I only take it maybe once a week when I can have Brian take care of the kids. going to have the little ones stay with their parents again tonight so I can try to get some much needed rest. I had the others bathe early and already dressed for bed and they are busy playing in the back bedroom quietly. I aspire to stamp but cant seem to bring myself to get the stuff realy as bed sounds so much better. We went to Champaign a town close to us and met up with a couple who bought all of Brians precious moments figurines so that is 2 large totes full of stuff out of my living room WOO HOO. He then took us to the Mall for lunch I had hopes of running into the craft store Michaels as I have only been in there once but we had to go to the antique store instead so the kids and I watched a movie in the van while Brian picked through some old postcards Then we called our oldest son who lives there and had a short visit with him. Not a bad day today just really gloomy out and kinda on the cool side. Well I am gonna try to get something done as I sit at my desk with my stamps and cardstock. Thank you for being here to share with me I am truely blessed to call you my friend.
    Much love to you
    Shelly

  5. Shelly, please forgive the tardiness of my response to your post. I know you are in trouble and are in need of a shoulder.

    Where do I start? First off, the most important thing for your mental health, in my opinion, is SLEEP! You have been sleep deprived for such a long time – at least from what I have gleaned from your posts. Sleep deprivation will wreck havoc with the chemical imbalances in your brain. Been there, done that, take a pass on the T-Shirt.

    Being sleep deprived you don’t have the ability to cope with daily life and all of the ups and downs each new day brings. With all the illness that has been going through your home of late your immune systems are compromised as well. In order for your body to correct itself you do need to have sleep.

    Since you have had a routine for the past few years of staying awake, it will take a while for you to get your body used to going to bed at a much earlier hour and getting more sleep. I would encourage you to take the sleeping meds more frequently than just once a week. Not getting proper sleep will also affect your emotional health as well. Things that you used to handle with ease before are now becoming harder to deal with because of your lack of sleep. Everything seems to compound and get bigger and bigger while your mind and body are less able to cope with the ever increasing situations you face at home.

    As far as anti-depressents go, I’m not one to advocate taking them BUT if they will help you get the rest you need then please consider them.

    As to your daughter…..the lying makes you crazy. For some kids it is a way of making themselves feel better able to cope with the situations of their lives. Believe me, I have one just like that and it makes me crazy dealing with her but she has lied all her life and that isn’t going to change any time soon – if ever. It is kind of an “insulation” thing they use to keep their personal lives in perspective. They don’t spend much time thinking about the stuff THEY do that causes their lives to spin out of control but they do spend time thinking about how other people influence their lives. Something as mundane as the job that Joe and I have in our truck driving work gets all out of kilter when my daughter gets to explaining HER version of what we do. She doesn’t listen and what she missed out of the conversation gets embellished by what she thinks is the correct stuff. My daughter is 33 years old and has always been the way she is.

    Your daughter’s lying is her stuff. It is NOT a reflection of you and your parenting skills. You have taken that on your sweet shoulders. You are personally hurt by the things she says and does, as well as the things she leaves out. She makes you feel less of a good mother because of her ways. You can’t figure out what you have done wrong to cause her to take things out on you in the way she does. Believe me, I’ve been in your situation and my daughter and I have had a terrible time in getting to be friends. There was a time that I left her to her own devices because I had enough of her lies and her odd behaviors. There were several years that I had nothing to do with her because of all this nonsense.

    Over the past eight years I have been talking with her. She still has a huge propensity to lie about stuff but I have come to the conclusion that this is HER and not me. She is my “Drama Queen” and can stir up trouble over the slightest thing. Believe me, it was really hard at first to listen to her going off on me about the stuff that hurt her. As I listened to her rants, screaming, and crying jags I learned that the world she created for herself in her mind had no bearing on the way that I saw things or the way that things really did happen.

    As far as the other part of the family that gives you grief….stay away from them. They are toxic and really need to be avoided. They don’t have anything to offer you and your family that is loving, supportive, and helps you and your family grow. From what I’ve read in your post…You and Brian stepped up to take care of that little girl because the rest of the family was not willing to do it. Since you and Brian took on the active role of raising the child they didn’t want, to their way of thinking, it reflects badly on them. Really, who gives a s*** what they think? There is nothing you can do that will ever please them or cause them to like you. Once again, been there and done that. I know what you are going through. None of this reflects on you and your parenting skills. You are giving them your power. Take it back.

    Seriously, get more sleep. You really need it to take care of the family you have within your home. But mostly to take care of yourself. You can’t be the Mom you want to be when you don’t have your health. Personally, I think your body is making its own decision on its behalf. You don’t get the proper amount of sleep and rest that it requires your body is going to “throw you on the floor” and take matters into its own hands.

    Shelly, I do know what you are going through. You have been a care taker to many. It is time for you to be a care taker to Shelly. Maybe be a little bit hard nosed about some things. It will hurt like h*** and make you feel like the Wicked Witch Of The West, but you do need to do this for yourself.

    Sorry if this seems to be rude and obnoxious, but you have become a dear friend to me and I hurt for you.
    Love you – Leslie

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